Holy Hell, Cartoon Network is Showing a Thundercats Marathon?!

-Tabris

Retsupurae Does Shit Right Again, Everyone Hates It

What's this? Retsupurae's knocking off that awful MST-wannabe crap (which sucked when they did the same thing with that Mega Man cartoon, by the way, though I did like the Battletoads one), and have gone back to their true calling: Being mean to people. And check it: 33,193 views in 19 hours! Already beats most of those longplay videos! Let's check this shit out!

Goddamnit, YouTube, can you not fuck things up? Why did seem like a good idea for the control panel to be wet cement gray and all up in the video? And...wait a...why so many down votes? The guy playing this is being paid by Machinima.com for this shit, he makes horribly tasteless jokes about assassination and suicide when he gets hit by very avoidable Bullet Bills, he has 40-something lives and savestates every few seconds, he was apparently watching TV while he was doing this, it just all around sucks! How did this get so many downvotes?

Well, turns out they were riffing on some guy called "Seamus". I've never heard of him, which means he can't possibly be famous. Maybe reading the comments will shed some light on this:

"If they are able to troll other people for not being entertaining enough, then we have the right to repay the favor. This video was not funny, at all. It was not offensive, but it was annoying because everything they said about Seamus was not true. They took a video of his that was two years old, which was before he got a partnership, and they ripped into him for it. It was simply not funny, and if we want to be fair about this, then I am allowed to tell them in a comment."

Kinda makes a good point here. Choosing a big target, picking out some old shame...let's read on.

"Yeah. Seamus has grown a lot over the last couple of years, and they chose a video of his that was not very great on purpose. He has almost 5.5 thousand videos on youtube, so you're bound to get a few stinkers here and there. This video is before he got his machinima contract, and these guys are ripping into him for bullshit reasons. So, yeah. There are 3000 dislikes for a reason. These guys were just trolling in an unfunny way here."

Hmm. Once again, good point.

"Stu Pickles' instructions to making pudding pie: 1. Wake up at 4 in the morning. 2. Buy a box of pudding mix and mix it with milk. 3. Pour the pudding into the pie shell. 4. Cook for 30 minutes. 5. Make sure your clown-haired wife asks you what you're doing at 4 in the morning. 6. Say you've lost control of your life. 7. Serve to your bitch niece who refuses to eat it. 8. Scream like a little girl. 9. Refrigerate for several hours."

I...uh...next.

"I use the term troll loosely, and since SsohPKC called them "trolls" I went ahead and used the term here.

And no, it's not satire. Satire is making witty comments for constructive criticism, they make no witty comments, and none of what they say is constructive in any way, shape or form. The only thing they do is try to put others to shame by making stupid jokes and comments, which is a form of trolling."

BULLSHIT, BULLSHIT, BULLSHIT, BULLSHIT, BULLSHIT!

Satire is primarily a literary genre or form, although in practice it can also be found in the graphic and performing arts. In satire, vices, follies, abuses, and shortcomings are held up to ridicule, ideally with the intent of shaming individuals, and society itself, into improvement. Although satire is usually meant to be funny, its greater purpose is often constructive social criticism, using wit as a weapon.

Does that sound like "constructive criticism"? No, it- Oh wait, it does. It says that right in there. But by "constructive", they mean "fix this shit, you're doing it wrong". The "constructive criticism" everyone always goes on about is walking on egg shells so as to not hurt anyone's precious feelings, and drive everyone who refuses to tolerate that sort of nancy-pansy bullshit into 4chan and Encyclopedia Dramatica (or Something Awful, if you want everything you'd get out of a normal forum with the added fun of having to pay for it all), where they turn into mountain tiger ogres and forget their past lives forever. Not that Retsupurae is satire, 'cus it's not. But abusing both the word "satire" and "troll" at the same time is fucking retarded and just wrong. That's "constructive criticism", I assume or not, whatever, I don't care!

So...yeah, Retsupurae goes back to doing shit right, but everyone hates it because some unfunny, tasteless asshole ("I got hit by a Bullet Bill! I'm like JFK or Kurt Corbain! LAWLZ!) with no talent and sold out to some shitty website to get paid to playing fucking games instead of getting a real goddamn job is famous in some tiny circle of nerds...but Retsupurae apparently went out of there way to find this bad video...'cus they're satirical trolls...or...

Oh, fuck it. I'm gonna go look at Shinji Ikari's sweet retro-tits now.

CONGRATULATIONS!

Update: Bloop.

...S'yeah, when the guy you're defending is completely cool with the thing you're attacking, you're doing it wrong.

-Tabris

Why Chris-Chan and His Trolls Remind Me of American Politics

So, I was wasting the precious time I have on this Earth reading about one of the greatest human trainwrecks in history last night. Then, suddenly, I realized something.

Y'know, I take a look at these so-called "trolls", and...there is so much time and effort invested here. I mean, look at all these damned pages! And not just emails, but phone calls. They just go on and on, and while they're screwing with him to a degree, there's an awful lot of trying to help the son of a bitch!

Now, in case you don't know anything about Christian Weston Chandler, I am barely exaggerating when I say he's worse than goddamn Hitler. He is truly one of the most detestable excuses of a human being I have ever heard about, and brother, that's really saying something.

When I really take the time to read this stuff, it's kinda...lame. They're messing with him, sure, but a lot of the time, it seems only so he'll listen to their advice. I've seen all this bargaining and time wasted on trying to help this abomination that proves time and time again that he's ultra retarded and just doesn't give a shit about you or anyone else that doesn't fit into his own agenda. Just as Chris repeatedly did the same stupid shit again and again (which is apparently the definition of insanity, by the way), so did these so-called "trolls" (who are just a bunch of goody-two-shoes motherfuckers if you ask me, which you totally did just now), who seem to have this weird pseudo-tsundere thing going on with him. Like, seriously, after several months of Chris officially having his spirit broken (thanks for overharvesting this wonderful resource, by the way), they're still monitoring his PSN thing!

And I realized something: Chris-chan and his trolls are the perfect allegory for Republicans and Democrats.

It makes perfect sense, right?! I'm not crazy, right?! Republicans are irredeemable assholes who just don't give a shit. Democrats are compromising pussies who can't seem to understand that the Republicans just don't give a shit. Republicans keep going "fuck you, I just don't give a shit", and Democrats keep tryin' give them a shit. Or something. I honestly don't know what I'm talking about.

And BlueSpike is like Ron Paul.

We switch to World of Warcraft currency, we don't fuck around around with autistic dickheads, and EVERYONE GETS HEROIN!

-Tabris

I Turned 30 Today.

-Tabris

My Completely Mature Thoughts on Artificial Academy 3

-Tabris

The A-Team Defeats LulzSec, Names Somehow Still Not Cleared

I guess I shouldn't be surprised to find out I'm not the only one who got a laugh when LulzSec lost their spines when one of their members was arrested and realized there is no real anonymity online disbanded after they were done exposing corporations and governments...somehow. You know surprised me, though? The goddamned A-Team fighting fire with fire!

Pictured: Real goddamn hackers

"'The Internet by definition is not anonymous,' the group said. 'Computers have to have attribution. If you trace something back far enough you can find its origins.'"

And then I assume they added "I love it when a plan comes together" while something blew up behind them.

-Tabris

My Thoughts on Lulz Sec

"We were going to keep this little treasure chest to ourselves, but it appears the hand has been bitten. Say your prayers, Brink users. >:]" "Big lulz coming up in the near future. Time to show these bitches how it's done. #Brink #Bethesda #ZeniMax"

Oh no! I'm mocking some kids who spend time learning computer shit just about anyone can learn nowadays! Now I'm gonna get my password guessed hacked! And that's totally impressive nowadays, because nothing has changed since the 1990s! I'm in so much trouble when they randomly stumble across this blog out of pure luck and give a rat's ass! Then I'll lose this blog I occasionally post on when I feel like and have nothing better to do forever!

Good thing I know how to close web browsers or there'd be no escape!

Update: LulzSec has disbanded...which means, one or two guys got bored or (much more likely) quit because one of the little punks got caught, and the rest abandoned him and quickly ran away like the pathetic losers that they are (which just amuses the living crap out of me):

"For the past 50 days we've been disrupting and exposing corporations, governments, often the general population itself, and quite possibly everything in between, just because we could. All to selflessly entertain others--vanity, fame, recognition, all of these things are shadowed by our desire for that which we all love."

I knew their reason was something stupid like this. Back in the 1990s, when the internet was some dark and mysterious thing, that little speech might have meant something. But it's 2011 now. You can find pirated videos on YouTube, Google Earth put those shady satellite photo sites out of business, and hacking anything over the internet is not even remotely an impressive feat. Christ, even doing shit "because we can" is goddamn old! What is this, 2007?

If you're going to hack anything, hack breast cancer. There's something that needs to be inconvenienced slightly over the internet.

-Tabris

IGN'S Previews Duke Nukem Forever Review

...No. Never again. I'm through point out how stupid this crap is.

(Edit: After actually, y'know, reading this half-finished review, I was really surprised. I was expecting them to go all Alan Wake on my ass and squeeze out a golden pile of bullshit, but they really aren't sugarcoating things just because it's a popular franchise or because it's famous (for a terrible reason, but still, people keep proving they really are that stupid). Go, IGN. Sorta.)

On a related note, my God, Duke Nukem Forever looks amazingly boring. How do you cock up Duke Nukem? You make it like every other modern FPS, fill it with lines that were badass and edgy in the 1990s, and force the player to stand there while professional voice actors read your dumbass Duke Nukem fanfic.

...And then there's that asshole on throne...whose picture you gotta take to move on...at the beginning of the game, and...and...JESUS FUCKING-

My hands are shaking. I need my Pony fix, man! Just some Fluttershy to mellow me out! I NEED TO FUCKING MELLOW OUT SO GODDAMN MUCH RIGHT NOW!

-Tabris

Cynicism

I am honestly surprised by South Park these last few episodes. After years of being too topical (or too late to be too topical), characters either dropping out of sight or being derailed, and so much fucking Cartman (to the point where he appeared in a commercial where he was not only in a scene he wasn't in, but also had very little screentime in the episode) it was nice to see all this old South Park stuff return. And to top it all off, they even talked about why Stan's dad was a huge buffoon who got so much screentime for a while there! But as much as I love this return to the old, pre-way-the-fuck-too-popular-for-its-own-good days and acknowledging Randy acting like a major jackass, there was something in that episode that was more important than all of that.

Lots and lots of poop. Cynicism.

My God, there's a metric fuckton of cynicism out there. It helped me spawn a 26 page thread, which is 98% me bitching about how shit everything is. Seeing all that poop everywhere was awesome Stan complain about how everything was shit hit pretty close to home for me. And it got me thinking about how much being an asshole who complains about everything is so incredibly prevelent. So much so that you've got places like TV Tropes and the Elder Scroll/Fallout Nexus going to the other, equally obnoxious extreme. I want to complain about this, but I'm too aware of the irony of doing that to actually do it!

But then, you see, I realized something. You see, there is treatment. There is a way to fight this. There is hope for ours souls.



Poop is funny.

-Tabris

My God, Ladies and Gentlemen, We CAN Have Nice Things!

-Tabris