Thursday, July 21, 2011

Retsupurae Does Shit Right Again, Everyone Hates It

What's this? Retsupurae's knocking off that awful MST-wannabe crap (which sucked when they did the same thing with that Mega Man cartoon, by the way, though I did like the Battletoads one), and have gone back to their true calling: Being mean to people. And check it: 33,193 views in 19 hours! Already beats most of those longplay videos! Let's check this shit out!

Goddamnit, YouTube, can you not fuck things up? Why did seem like a good idea for the control panel to be wet cement gray and all up in the video? And...wait a...why so many down votes? The guy playing this is being paid by for this shit, he makes horribly tasteless jokes about assassination and suicide when he gets hit by very avoidable Bullet Bills, he has 40-something lives and savestates every few seconds, he was apparently watching TV while he was doing this, it just all around sucks! How did this get so many downvotes?

Well, turns out they were riffing on some guy called "Seamus". I've never heard of him, which means he can't possibly be famous. Maybe reading the comments will shed some light on this:

"If they are able to troll other people for not being entertaining enough, then we have the right to repay the favor. This video was not funny, at all. It was not offensive, but it was annoying because everything they said about Seamus was not true. They took a video of his that was two years old, which was before he got a partnership, and they ripped into him for it. It was simply not funny, and if we want to be fair about this, then I am allowed to tell them in a comment."

Kinda makes a good point here. Choosing a big target, picking out some old shame...let's read on.

"Yeah. Seamus has grown a lot over the last couple of years, and they chose a video of his that was not very great on purpose. He has almost 5.5 thousand videos on youtube, so you're bound to get a few stinkers here and there. This video is before he got his machinima contract, and these guys are ripping into him for bullshit reasons. So, yeah. There are 3000 dislikes for a reason. These guys were just trolling in an unfunny way here."

Hmm. Once again, good point.

"Stu Pickles' instructions to making pudding pie: 1. Wake up at 4 in the morning. 2. Buy a box of pudding mix and mix it with milk. 3. Pour the pudding into the pie shell. 4. Cook for 30 minutes. 5. Make sure your clown-haired wife asks you what you're doing at 4 in the morning. 6. Say you've lost control of your life. 7. Serve to your bitch niece who refuses to eat it. 8. Scream like a little girl. 9. Refrigerate for several hours."

"I use the term troll loosely, and since SsohPKC called them "trolls" I went ahead and used the term here.

And no, it's not satire. Satire is making witty comments for constructive criticism, they make no witty comments, and none of what they say is constructive in any way, shape or form. The only thing they do is try to put others to shame by making stupid jokes and comments, which is a form of trolling."


Satire is primarily a literary genre or form, although in practice it can also be found in the graphic and performing arts. In satire, vices, follies, abuses, and shortcomings are held up to ridicule, ideally with the intent of shaming individuals, and society itself, into improvement. Although satire is usually meant to be funny, its greater purpose is often constructive social criticism, using wit as a weapon.

Does that sound like "constructive criticism"? No, it- Oh wait, it does. It says that right in there. But by "constructive", they mean "fix this shit, you're doing it wrong". The "constructive criticism" everyone always goes on about is walking on egg shells so as to not hurt anyone's precious feelings, and drive everyone who refuses to tolerate that sort of nancy-pansy bullshit into 4chan and Encyclopedia Dramatica (or Something Awful, if you want everything you'd get out of a normal forum with the added fun of having to pay for it all), where they turn into mountain tiger ogres and forget their past lives forever. Not that Retsupurae is satire, 'cus it's not. But abusing both the word "satire" and "troll" at the same time is fucking retarded and just wrong. That's "constructive criticism", I assume or not, whatever, I don't care!

So...yeah, Retsupurae goes back to doing shit right, but everyone hates it because some unfunny, tasteless asshole ("I got hit by a Bullet Bill! I'm like JFK or Kurt Corbain! LAWLZ!) with no talent and sold out to some shitty website to get paid to playing fucking games instead of getting a real goddamn job is famous in some tiny circle of nerds...but Retsupurae apparently went out of there way to find this bad video...'cus they're satirical trolls...or...

Oh, fuck it. I'm gonna go look at Shinji Ikari's sweet retro-tits now.


Update: Bloop.

...S'yeah, when the guy you're defending is completely cool with the thing you're attacking, you're doing it wrong.


Friday, July 15, 2011

Why Chris-Chan and His Trolls Remind Me of American Politics

So, I was wasting the precious time I have on this Earth reading about one of the greatest human trainwrecks in history last night. Then, suddenly, I realized something.

Y'know, I take a look at these so-called "trolls", and...there is so much time and effort invested here. I mean, look at all these damned pages! And not just emails, but phone calls. They just go on and on, and while they're screwing with him to a degree, there's an awful lot of trying to help the son of a bitch!

Now, in case you don't know anything about Christian Weston Chandler, I am barely exaggerating when I say he's worse than goddamn Hitler. He is truly one of the most detestable excuses of a human being I have ever heard about, and brother, that's really saying something.

When I really take the time to read this stuff, it's kinda...lame. They're messing with him, sure, but a lot of the time, it seems only so he'll listen to their advice. I've seen all this bargaining and time wasted on trying to help this abomination that proves time and time again that he's ultra retarded and just doesn't give a shit about you or anyone else that doesn't fit into his own agenda. Just as Chris repeatedly did the same stupid shit again and again (which is apparently the definition of insanity, by the way), so did these so-called "trolls" (who are just a bunch of goody-two-shoes motherfuckers if you ask me, which you totally did just now), who seem to have this weird pseudo-tsundere thing going on with him. Like, seriously, after several months of Chris officially having his spirit broken (thanks for overharvesting this wonderful resource, by the way), they're still monitoring his PSN thing!

And I realized something: Chris-chan and his trolls are the perfect allegory for Republicans and Democrats.

It makes perfect sense, right?! I'm not crazy, right?! Republicans are irredeemable assholes who just don't give a shit. Democrats are compromising pussies who can't seem to understand that the Republicans just don't give a shit. Republicans keep going "fuck you, I just don't give a shit", and Democrats keep tryin' give them a shit. Or something. I honestly don't know what I'm talking about.

And BlueSpike is like Ron Paul.

We switch to World of Warcraft currency, we don't fuck around around with autistic dickheads, and EVERYONE GETS HEROIN!