Let's Read An Email I Got That Totally Doesn't Get Creepy and Weird

So, my forum, Words of a Madman. Yeah. Do I got a link or anything in my profile? If not, no one's getting it now. See, an actual person apparently signed up. Being just a hair shy of being on the same level of lonely and sad as "The Bloody Board" (although having a punch of female sockpuppet accounts might give me the extra push), having a new member is a lot like making contact with aliens. Will they be friendly? Will they come to mock me about having written corny any fanfiction? Or will they be really weird and make me feel uncomfortable?

So, the latest member emailed me. He's still there, so...I'm staying away from there for now. Anyway, take my hand, friend, and join me as read an email that totally doesn't get creepy and weird:

"I like those avatar pics everyone whose an Imaginary friend has, could you make one for me?"

They're crappy MS Paint anime busts that I really want to replace with something better sometime. Also, I don't generally take requests from complete str-

"And could you teach me how to act."

...What? I mean, what? I'm a writer, video editor, game developer (eventually), complainer, and the source of the White Man's burden. "Actor" isn't in my list of credits.

"Am not very good in acting , But seeing that everyone here
is good at it , I am assuming were all just guys , and that
nobody here is a woman, right?? Maybe I shouldn't have
brought that up , very sorry , please forgive me."

There's me. Only me. Occassionally one other guy, but mostly just me. The "Imaginary Friends" group should give away that my girls aren't real.

"I have some questions , that i would like if you answered them
you don't have to , I am not commanding
u or anything,"

Well, yeah, probably should right up some sorta FAQ or something like-

"but what are we doing here?"

...That?

Believe me, it gets so much more existential.

"and what does W.o.a.m. stand for?"

Boku no Pico.

"I know somethings about anime , like that
bishouju ( sorry if its not spelled right ) means beautiful girl"

Oh, this can't possibly go in a weird direction...

"and that moe is something sorta like pedophilia ( though i wonder why is) atleast what all those conservative or whatever
there called sites say."

I LIED! :D

(Psst! Someone do an entry for "moe" at Conservapedia! Say it's pronounced like the name Moe and that it's Japanese pedophile cartoons.)

"So if i join this community
we have events and things?"

...It's a forum. A forum with one just pretending to be a bunch of girls to create the thinly veiled illusion that there's more than one painfully alone person writing every single post.

"do we meet in real life?"

It's a forum.

"I would like to meet in R.L. , rl does stand for Reality right?
and the L for Life ?
Am not smart or anything , Am not an adult,
and I am a real Teenager , but not all things are what they are cliched. ( srry for sounding stpid , since this is private
and we don't really know each other , this shouldn't hurt me right? ) I will sound stpid most often when I talk to you,"

When did I feel like this was some bizzare sort of "To Catch a Predator" thing? Well, it was about...

"I know this because I have problems in my life ,"

Here.

"am not trying to ask for a counselor , I am just interested in
this place , this forum , or idea sharing , human communication project."

"Human Communication Project". I can actually see my forum getting wrapped up in something like that. Specifically, any part that had to do with crippling isolation or something.

"When I was like younger * ( 3-5 yrs ago)
in like middle school, I was kinda like a loser"

...Okay, I'm not so mean that I'm going to say something to this.

" ,not that
tv loser , but a real loser. I had problems in my life."

...Well...maybe one little quip wouldn't hurt...

"I don't have enough time to explain , what thoughts were in my
head , lets just say I had problems , what sort , and kind i just can't explain"

NO! No, no, no! I know what's like to be all awkward and weird, so I shouldn't-

"There was this girl from Laos ( i think )"

BOBBY! ARE YOU TELLING THE INTERNET ABOUT PROPANE AND PROPANE ACCESSORIES LIKE I TOLD YOU?

Oh, c'mon! Can you blame me?! I mean, some random stranger signs up and all of a sudden starts talking to me about-

"She always brought manga to school"

BOBBY! ARE YOU READING THE MANGA IN THERE? IT BETTER BE MANGA ABOUT PROPANE AND PROPANE ACCESSORIES!

...Dude...awesome idea, right there. Fist of the North Star...meets King of the Hill. That would be so goddamn manly...

"I felt werid , i mean , i felt ..... something i just can't explain"

See! SEE! This is what I was talking about! W-T-Fuck, man!

"i couldn't understand what would make somebody
bring things like that,"

In case you still think I'm being too mean...

"i mean i watched anime ,( in private)"

There are over 9,000 things I could say, but I'll go the clean route: "Sometimes, on really crazy nights, I'd watch Voltron! Maybe just flip out and watch five minutes of Sailor Moon! Wild times, I tell ya!"

"but i just can't see how people are that brave
to just do things not afraid of others opinion"

She brought manga to school! Am I missing some details here? Was it hardcore yaoi guro or something?

"( though its not the opinions that effected me ,
i could say maybe its my way of life/religion
since i was a muslim ,maybe i still am)"

Before you say something inflammatory (and I know you want to, internet)...I'm not a theologist or some big word thing like that, so can anyone tell me if manga is against anyone's religion? I'll even let you include cults.

"I hope I can become friends we you all."

And then the grammar improved, and it all turned into Engrish.

And now...now, my friend, things get really weird.

"Maybe learn more about myself.
Maybe while am doing this i might remember
remember who i was."

...Wow. Just wow. All of a sudden, there's a story here. A story of discovering a lost you...remembering what brought you to this point...

Oh wait, it's just a total fucking weirdo who stumbled across my lonely little hole. Yeah, I'm backing the fuck away now...

Edit: Well, I banned him. He was acting way the fuck too weird, and I could tell this wouldn't go anywhere good. And if you think I'm just not giving the little weirdo a chance, here's this post:

"call me stupid but ehhhhh ....
Daimans site is racked

And well I know he has the ifrance going on to hold back the memories and all
but who is this Aldorlea Games corp.? WHO ARE THEY?!?!"

I'm not taking that out of context. At all. There was no previous post that referenced a single word he's talking about. No "Daiman", no "ifrance", no "Aldorlea Games Corp.". He seriously just went into a random thread and started making shit up. I can sorta appreciate the sheer insanity of that.

A shiny nickel to anyone who can tell me if any of that stuff is a reference to anything at all.

-Tabris

TCM Is Showing "Santa Claus Conquers The Martians" Right Now

-Tabris

You Make Me Proud, Son

I made with at memegenerator.net:



Didn't quite work out. But then someone posted this:



And when I posted this:



Someone posted this:



I believe in the future.

-Tabris

So I Found This Site called "Memegenerator.net"

-Tabris

XKCD Is Awful and Has Asperger's Syndrome

Hey, speaking of webcomics, you like XKCD? You do? Well FUCK YOU, SHITHEAD! As I've recently learned, XKCD, like its creator, is an irredeemable piece of dog and cat shit that pisses out its ass!

Oh, that's not good enough to convince you? Apparently, we got some elitst son of a bitch up in here whose opinion isn't formed by some guy on a wiki. Lemme educate your ass:

-It features stick figures. Simplicity is Mexican Islamofacist bullshit. If you don't try to make something look terrific, you might as well just go molest a child.


Pictured: Shit done right. Also, :D.

-Big wordy shit. Big wurds r pretentueous and gey. doent b smert cuz smurt wardz r presumuous and ghay adn u mayk webkomik 4 me soe doant be a retarted fargut..


Pretentious cocks at work.

-It's popular. Jesus fucking Christ, that pisses me off more than anything! If you're successful at anything, you're no better than goddamn Hitler! See, if something is popular, it only got that way because it's stupid. Most people are stupid because they refuse to acknowledge how much better I am than them, so only something stupid that could still be pretentious even though it's stupid could be popular. Logically, that means everyone who hates something popular are geniuses and not complete tools.


Sometimes, there's no need to put up a picture with a wacky caption.

In conclusion, Randall Munroe has Asperger's Syndrome.

-Tabris

Google Aids Me in My Sad and Shameless Self-Promotion

Oh, look what pops up first when you look up "OakFable" on Google:



Click like a son of bitch here to see this fabulous shit!

-Tabris

IGN Is STILL Previewing It's Review of "World of Warcraft: Cataclysm"

-Tabris

9/11 Relief Workers: America's Worst Parasites

Republicans, after years of never forgetting 9/11, have finally wised up and realized what a bunch of parasites all those relief workers are. They get terminal sniffles, and do they suck it up? No! They feel like they're entitled, and all because they "risked their lives doing their jobs" and shit. Are Republicans not entitled to the sweat on their brow? "No!" say the 9/11 relief workers! "It belongs to people who risked their own lives trying to save others during the worst attack on this country since Pearl Harbor! We deserve your money, even if we don't kill darkies and towelheads for your amusement and ego! We demand handouts, because we're too good to die when our usefulness is at an end!"

But what if I told you, dear America, that there's a conspiracy here nearly equal to a socialist Muslim from Kenya becoming president? What if I told you that the real terrorists behind 9/11 are, in fact, the 9/11 relief workers?! Think about it! If you didn't want to pay for your own healthcare like any Christian would, what do you do? Commit a massive act of terrorism, of course! You get to play the hero, and when you catch the flu or get 9/11 cancer, the taxpayers get the bill! And all you have to do is risk your life and kill thousands of people, whose remains will float in the sewers for years to come! GENIUS!

Help spread the truth about 9/11 and the parasites! Go to Conservapedia and add this valuable, morally superior information that I totally didn't make up!

-Tabris

The War on Christmas: The Counterattack on Christ

It's already that time of year again: To bitch and moan about people acknowledging that there are other- albeit far less interesting and fun- holidays in the month of December. It pisses me off that all these religious holidays suddenly become a big deal! Religion belongs in churches and temples, and shouldn't be sticking its ass into everything like some buttfuck that sucks his own dick. And why the hell wouldn't you celebrate Christmas? It's a fucking fun holiday! Songs, decorations, cartoon specials, Martian fighting; Christmas is full of awesome stuff to de-suck your sucky-ass life! You won't find this sort of stuff in those crappy religious holidays like Honuka Hanookah Hahnucha Jew Christmas Chanukah or Black Chanukah! So what's with these crappy religious (Kwanzaa is Chanukah for racist black people, so close enough) holidays hijacking the holiday season? Fucking cock and balls bullshit, right?

...Well, as it turns out, this isn't anything new. In fact, get this:

Christmas is technically a religious holiday.

Yeah, what the fuck, right? I'm just making this up to divide people over petty bullshit, aren't I? Well, as much fun as it is to inspire hate and sow the seeds of mankind's downfall, it turns out it's actually true! Yeah, the very first guy to hijack the holiday season was this asshole:



Look at this cocksucker, ruining Christmas for everyone. Apparently, Christmas is this son of a bitch's birthday. Scholars and other smartasses like that say that being an asshole who ruins holidays dates back even further and that Christians just hijacked Pagan winter holidays by saying their Lord and Savior was born on their unholy day of celebrating how wrong and false their gods were. I say he's just a dickhead who wants to stick religion where it doesn't goddamn belong because he wants to control people's lives like an egotistical asshole. Looks like a goddamn terrorist of pedophile descent.

So that got me thinking, what's the real War on Christmas here? Is it on PC pussies who have to mettle with everyone's shit just so they can pat themselves on the back for being do-gooder motherfuckers? Or is it something more sinister? Is the real War on Christmas, in fact, a war on people not getting a crucifix up their ass over the most fun holiday ever? Behold the true Hitler in the real War on Christmas:


"Ho ho ho! I'm the idol of the secular progressives! Big government for all!"

If that's the real Hitler, then I'm a Nazi. Be a Nazi, too, and prove the superiority of the master holiday!



This is apparently even worse in context.

-Tabris

The Internet Keeps On Giving

More bountiful gifts from the internet:



But wait! There's more! See, it seems the gods and godnesses (godnessi?) kidnapped Santa Claus for some reason, and Santa needs your help rescuing Santa! Help him and claim our gifts!



I like to think "Santa" just happens to be the name of a Mexican gunslinger, and you help him rescue Santa Claus. And together, you claim our gifts.

-Tabris

No, Wait! The Internet Is Not Yet Done Giving!

SE is clearly making this as a jab at western gamers, it's a reflection of their motif on what western gamers want, and you shouldn't buy it.

Square Enix is an elitist Japanese company who looks down on western developers and western gamers alike.
Now you may say, "LOL wut? I've only seen them make nice comments about Western Developers and Games." But if you actually read said articles where they praise or give a nod to western games, there's always a little jab thrown in somewhere.

It seems to me that this whole game is nothing but an ignorant jab at western games and the players who enjoy them.

You may think I'm crazy, but mark my words, if this game sells well in North America, Square Enix will have something ignorant to say about it.


Seriously, though, Gun Loco looks like it was inspired by Jeff Dunham puppets, that squirrel from Hoodwinked, and racist drawings of black people from the early 1900s.



This mudflap would look mighty nice on a bar of soap.

-Tabris

Racist Soap

That's the joke.

Oh way, there's more!

"I don't think it's much of a joke," Joe Slash, Indianapolis Urban League.

Lemme repeat that: Joe Slash. Of the, and I quote, "Indianapolis Urban League".



You made my day, internet.

-Tabris

I'm Going to Review World of Warcraft: Cataclysm Eventually

Hey, everyone! I'm just writing this to tell you that I'm writing a review for World of Warcraft someday. I shouldn't need to, really, but I'm a huge fucking idiot, so I feel the need to write a full two page article to tell everyone that I'm working on a review.

Until I finish that review- and I'll be sure to write several more articles telling you that I am, in fact, working on a review- be sure to look very, very deeply into a post-apocalyptic game where you can sell your friend to cannibals and have sex with a robot.

-Tabris

Pedophyli Is Crime

I keep saying the name means nothing, and yet, here we are again...

So, because I love crap, I decided to drop by Newgrounds, and how could I not click on something called "A paedophile story"?

http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/488307

So, from what I gather, there are two things going on: One, this is the story of a guy who molested himself as a kid and he's stuck in this Groundhog's Day loop because...like...he ate a rat infected with that black tar stuff from Condemned: Bloodshot. Or two, pedophilia is exactly like vampirism and werewolf...ism. If you were ever molested as a kid and think you turned out pretty well adjusted, I draw the curtain on thy sad illusion! You're molesting children and don't even know it! Go ahead and set up a video camera before you go to bed. Have someone tie you down first, though, lest you jump out the window and roam the night in search of tiny prey!

But what I think really delivers the message is this excellent review from someone in Brazil, where molesting children is also illegal:

pedophyli is crime.
A pedophile is an adult who is sexually attracted to children who have not reached puberty. A pedophile has a mental disorder called "pedophilia"(http://simple.wikipedia.
org/wiki/Pedophile)
that's an horrible thing nice movie
it shows that pedophilia can most of the time couse mental desorder. and this is probably an vicious circle like it shows in the movie i think everything is clear.
PEDOPHILIE IS CRIME DONT PRACTICE IT DO SOMETHING BETTER READ A NG REVIEW =D

Indeed.

-Tabris

HAPPY WORLD AIDS DAY!

Which was yesterday!



-Tabris