Sunday, February 13, 2011

The Superhero Sideshow: The Prankster

To celebrate being an Uncle Moneybags motherfucker and buying myself a lifetime subscription to Champions Online, I'm doing a series of entries in the precious moments I can pull myself away from the game about weirdo freaks in comics. This entry: The Prankster!


I've already told you about The Prankster. He was a stupid asshole with no friends, his family hated him, Mrs. Buttersworth was his imaginary wife, he lived in a dumpster, he ate garbage, he slept in a bed of his own feces, he drove a pretend car made of dog farts, he sucked his own dick, he died of breast cancer, and they threw his dead body into the sewer. The Prankster was a walking abortion who always had pennies in his goddamn ears and peace came to the Middle East when he died. The end. But long before he was bugging the shit out of me with his weirdo haiku-ish style rantings about Islam and his lost memories, he tried that exact same shit to get the password to some email account. Yeah, he's a complete fucking idiot, isn't he?

...Oh, and he was a Superman villian. Let's pretend we give a shit and a take a look at this bag of horse cunts.

The original Prankster is Oswald Loomis, a criminal and conman who uses elaborate practical jokes to commit crimes. In his debut in Action Comics #51, the Prankster and his assistants break into a series of banks and force the employees to accept money. After he becomes famous for this joke, the Prankster enters into yet another bank - and this time takes all the money. Superman, who had suspected the Prankster was up to no good, stops the robbery, but the Prankster manages to escape, presumably because he was off ruining Jimmy Olsen's life or space murdering Louis Lane.

The Prankster returns to plague the Man of Steel throughout the Gold and Silver Age. One of his more novel schemes was seen in Superman #22 (May/June 1943). The Prankster, with the backing of several criminal leaders, files a copyright to own the English language. This scheme works because people are dumb fucks. Once he gains legal ownership of the alphabet, the Prankster begins requiring payment of anyone using the written word. Superman is at first unable to do anything, as the Prankster is not breaking the law. Eventually, Superman realizes that this is stupid bullshit and beats the crap out the Prankster.

The Prankster's final Silver Age appearance is in the Alan Moore scripted story, Whatever Happened to the Man of Tomorrow? (Superman #423).

This homeless man is Alan Moore. Seriously.

The Prankster, along with the Toyman, are unwittingly manipulated by Mister Mxyzptlk to discover Superman's secret identity. They succeed after kidnapping Pete Ross and torturing the information out of him, then killing him because Alan Moore couldn't lighten the fuck up if his beard depended on it. After managing to unmask take off Clark Kent's glasses in front of Lana Lang and others, the Prankster and Toyman are captured by Superman...who everyone now knows is Clark Kent. Or something. Maybe he used a robot. Hell, I don't know. I'm just channeling the Wikipedia here.

The first appearance of the modern age Prankster was in Superman vol. 2 #16 (April 1988), in a story written and drawn by John Byrne. Comedian Oswald Loomis is the host of the long running children's variety show called The Uncle Oswald Show. Don't know why they let him near kids. Anyway, when the ratings begin to fall, the show is canceled by its network WGBS. Loomis finds himself typecast and unable to obtain new employment. This is when he completely lost his shit. He married Mrs. Buttersworth, he lived in a dumpster and ate garbage because he was homeless now, and when dementia really kicked in, he started sleeping in a bed of his own feces, driving a pretend car made of dog farts, and sucking his own dick.

In Adventures of Superman #579 (June 2000), Loomis reappears with- WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?!

What the fuck?! What the fuck?! They turned into him, like, a fucking Mayan stripper with a rapist grin! This lunatic is the fucking Prankster?! The sack of cat turds I love to hate turned into this?! Jesus goddamn motherfucking, dicksucking, pickle-jarring Christ. I didn't think it was possible to ruin the goddamn Prankster- the stupid asshole who's high point in his villainous career was being the forefather of 4chan wannabes- but some asshole went and did it. I hate these times we live in.

Well, I'm going to remember The Prankster the way God intended him to be: A stupid asshole with no friends, hated by his family, had Mrs. Buttersworth as an imaginary wife, lived in a dumpster, ate garbage, slept in a bed of his own feces, drove a pretend car made of dog farts, sucked his own dick, died of breast cancer, and whose dead body was thrown into the sewer. The Prankster was- and in my heart, always will be- a walking abortion who always had pennies in his goddamn ears and peace came to the Middle East when he died.

The end.


No comments:

Post a Comment