Friday, January 21, 2011

John Solomon: An American Hero Who I Think Was British Or Something

I'll do whatever I please and laugh in your fat, stupid faces if you complain. I am not here to dance for your amusement, you pissants. I am here to impart one singular truth: your webcomic is bad and you should feel bad.
-John fucking Solomon

As you might have seen on an earlier post, The Bad Webcomics Wiki has some real shitty reviews. That one was also from the same guy who did the review for "Cheshire Crossing", in which he says a bunch of books are from the Victorian Era, when only one actually was (it's called fact checking, pal) and another was The Wonderful Wizard of motherfucking Oz! I swear to God, I am not making that up!

Pictured: Victorian Era Kansas

But those are just two reviews. I skimmed over the site and picked out every review that isn't just "this is shit, it sucks":

...That's it? Seriously? I mean...seriously?!

Yes, seriously. The Bad Webcomic Wiki is...well...bad. And Luigiian was apparently molested and had his father killed by Randall Munroe, which is the only thing that can explain this insanely irrational hate of XKCD. (Hey, I don't care for it either, but Jesus fucking Christ, you goddamn psycho! Get a life!)

This was also where John Solomon's reviews were archived when their spirits went to Valhalla. Solomon got fed up with the cretinous sychophants fans who seemed oblivious to the fact he hated cretinous sychophants fans who attached themselves to something popular without understanding anything but the most simple, cheapened, watered down version of what the thing they were attaching themselves to was (in this case, "MEAN MAN SAY MEAN THINGS ABOUT POOPOO COMICS, LAWLZ!"). Upon looking at what had become of his creation, he shed a single manly tear and destroyed everything with the power of infinite hate.

Yeah, deleting a blog is exactly like that.

And then he found The Bad Webcomics Wiki.




yours cordially,
John Solomon"

"But derpy derp!" said the angry kids engaged in a circlejerk of hate and negativity around Solomon's bound and gagged reviews Bad Webcomics Wiki, "He wouldn't say such a thing so bluntly and tactlessly! It's not like he said he is not here to dance for our amusement or anything very similar to that! We're just like him, after all! Being a complete jerkass who just shits on piles of shit equals comedy gold! Herpity derpity derp!"

So they poked and they prodded and demanded that this guy takes time out of life to appease them. They were John Solomon's chosen ones. After all, the wiki was first established a few months after Solomon's official retirement from not being a dancing monkey for the very people he hated, and they had kept the moldy old remains of ruined fun secure in their vault.

Solomon was not amused.

"Because your wiki is an abomination scrawled by the slovenly hands of ignorant cretins who don't understand the basics of what they're even supposed to be doing. It's a gallery of hooting shit-slingers who have been dredged up from the Internet's cavernous backside. If there's anyone on there who approaches the subject matter as anything but an excuse to reach for low-hanging fruit and clumsily mash together expletives and slurs, I have yet to find them.

I deleted my blog for a reason, and the last thing I want is for my follies to be glorified on your trainwreck. It repulses me to think that you're idealising a fictional persona I have come to loathe. In short, I don't like you, and I don't want to be associated with you.

There's your elaboration."

Pictured: A ridiculous overexaggeration of a former minor internet celebrity schooling a bunch of caustic critic wannabe punks

And how did Bad Webcomics Wiki react, you ask? (Please read the following in a whiny, snivelling voice for comedic effect.)

"after reading that shitstorm he's not a candidate for admiration anymore, to say the least…"
-Forcedjapanesename, Angry Mode with Can't Take The Heat Shield activated

"Nobody gives a shit about Fuego Fish, he is not the be-all and end-all of this site and we can go on without him. Many webcomics people discredit our site because of the connection anyway, and Solomon is (like it or not) really just another sheltered Something Awful goon. He is not some webcomics messiah."
-Luigiian, being passive-aggressive and GODDAMN LIAR!

"You're wrong in one point, we do have an enemy: some pissed goon who used to have internet popularity, the lowest kind of popularity, and will inevitably fade into obscurity."
-Forcedjapanesename, Tantrum Mode with Can't Take The Heat Shield overcharging

"I simply don't agree with what he's said about the site. I never really cared for him,"

"In any case, while the manner in which he asked reeks of elitism, I can't say I disagree with him wanting his stuff remain unseen. It IS his work, and as such, has some rights on where and when to show it. Wether others hear that request depends on their upbringing and douche scale. I'm glad to be part of a place that is above fighting childishly."
-Drvm, true American and ANOTHER GODDAMN LIAR!

"While I do understand from an artist's view that past work is almost always crappy, I think he could of gone about this with some tact instead of acting like some spoiled 16 year old piece of shit. Well, it was nice to know you John, nice to know that you've got a personality like that of an immature angry bull with a spike that was recently lodged into it's skull affecting it's reasoning center along with several rattlesnakes firmly latched onto it's sack."
-PhillipC, copying and pasting what someone said about him with his name replaced with Solomon's

"That makes no fucking sense. Why make a wildly popular blog then flip out at people who like it?"
-Genkigami, clearly never reading fucking word the man ever said, not knowing how popularity works, and thinking popularity is more important than self-fucking-respect

"why should anyone here care? Seriously…this isn`t a solomon fanboy/girl site right?"
-thedude86, obvious newcomer

Now take a moment to look through the reviews and see every time they bitched about a webcomic creator not being able to take criticism, then read their reactions again. Internet, you got a wacky picture for this?

Thank you, internet! I love you TTTTHHHHHIIIIIISSSSS much! :3

(Update: Holy shit, I was so right, you'd think this was all some Andy Kaufmann-level trolling with the sole purpose of bugging John Solomon! Truly the human ego is a great and terrible thing, and I stand in awe of it.)

S'yeah, The Bad Webcomics Wiki is really just a bunch of shallow angry kids who think being a complete jerk who bashes everything and is so emotionally crippled that you're incapable of having a meaningful relationship is exactly the same as being funny. Which it is, of course.

And with that, Solomon soared off into the heavens above to seal demons into the Clavicula Salomonis.

That scroll translates into "There's nothing funny about aiming as low as possible and bashing the easiest target, you fucking tools.

Learn your ass a lesson here, Children of Man: Being an asshole isn't funny in and of itself, and none are above being criticized.

...Except me.



  1. Suddenly, there was more!

    Revelations are revealed, and the past can't die until justice is served. Read on for free justice!


  2. I still like the guy.

  3. You took the words out of my mouth with the being a asshole isn't funny especially when your being asshole about something so insignificant as in anything on the Internet